What is the most terrible thing in marriage?

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I have done 15 years of marriage emotional counseling. I have seen too many dog blood, tearing, collapse and death, cheating, asexual marriage, widowed marriage, aphasic marriage... Everyone's Core needs and feel It's different. Is it more terrible for a lover to derail, or is it worse to have nothing to say? Can it be worse to start from scratch with wealth, or is it worse for poor couples?

A thousand people have a thousand answers.

Here, let's say something that I find particularly "terrible".

That is, Always living in the "protective layer", always wearing a mask, always unable to fragile relative.


For example, I often hear my husband who has been married for many years say to his wife, "I only have family, no love, the world's marriage is like this, you don't toss about, I return to the family, we can make do with it.

Men are often so persuasive to women, women are often so persuasive to themselves, relatives and friends are also persuasive to the couple.

Then it often happens that a woman suddenly finds an ambiguous text message from a man and another woman on her mobile phone.

She found that this man, who would not be affectionate with his wife, could actually talk sweetly to a woman who had known him for less than two months.

So she fell into a tangle.

Even if this man is saved, how will the future be? If I believe that this man "is just a momentary confusion, and will never do it again", do you believe it?


Believe in such a man's commitment, are really too want to deceive their own people. She will convince herself that passion is not a necessity, and that our down-to-earth life is the mainstream of marriage.

The logic used to be that the limit of passion was before the age of 30, or the first two years of marriage, and then there was no need for passion in life.

But is it really the case?



To answer this question, first of all, we have to answer one question: What is passion?

Passion is a High experience, a state in which your inner needs are fully met.

For example, a woman who lives in the absence of father love, her greatest desire since childhood is to find a strong man who can give her a lot of protection and guidance. When she meets such a man as an adult, everything is like pie falling from the sky, her passion is aroused.

For example, a man who has been living in an environment of emotional deprivation has been winning attention by his struggle and ability until middle age, and suddenly found a problem: I have been living on the battlefield, it is too fucking tired. At this time, he met a tender and warm girl. At this time, he felt that only when he was with her, life would be meaningful.


A woman who yearns for a strong man, a man who yearns for a tender woman.

Their desire for perfection sparks when they collide.


This is passion, this is the attraction of love. Attraction comes from the illusion that I can find someone who can give me the most missing thing in my life.


But the plot behind it is delicate and complex, and to an appalling degree.

Why do you say that? Let me read it in depth.


First, a chestnut:

There is a girl who has been beautiful since childhood. Her face is high enough to be loved and praised by others. She is constantly praised by others. This is indeed very happy, but it also has side effects. Everywhere she goes, she is paid attention to and raised. Over time, everyone will feel tired, but there is no way to prevent others from boasting. On the one hand, she can't resist others'boasting. On the other hand, she can't stop others from boasting. Aspects can't resist the praised sweetness. One way or another, it's like addiction, pain and happiness.

A great deal of attention and praise from the people around her has created an excessive stimulus for girls, who are constantly experiencing excitement because of these stimuli. Long-term nervous excitement will feel very tired, even tired, she will crave a state: I want to be quiet.

The girl later had a paradoxical feeling of concern and appreciation for the outside world: On the one hand, she hates the constant attention and praise of others, because excessive is a kind of harassment; on the other hand, she needs this kind of stimulation, because she only gets love in this way, and she is used to it.



When she grew up, she was chased by all kinds of men because of her high looks, but no matter how good a man was, she was not interested as long as she kept staring at the man who praised her beauty. Obviously these men continue to act as objects that constantly stimulate her and make her feel irritable.

Until one day, she met a quiet man who seemed not enthusiastic about her, who attracted the girl all of a sudden. She liked his quietness and indifference and his silence. The girl felt relaxed in front of the man. She finally met a man who would not stare at her and praise her. She can be herself naturally, without any more hard work as a goddess, and finally she can belch and fart and live in real life.

At this time, even if the people around him deny this man all kinds of negation, the girl thinks he is good. Because with this man, she can be quiet, relaxed, real and comfortable.

And this quiet, low-key, somewhat autistic man, his life script is like this:

He is introverted, everything is mediocre, no one pays attention to him, he is ignored wherever he goes. When he met the girl who lived mostly in the spotlight from childhood, he seemed to get a baby because As long as he stayed with the girl, he would shine with gold. This is what he has been lacking for so many years. It's so easy to get it. It's so damn cool!


So they were excited and happy together.


This is the first half of the story. Next, let's look at the second half of the story.


I compare feelings to sugar-coated pills.

The sugar-coated part is the first half of our emotional story: I need someone so much that he can make up for all I lack. With this person, my life will be perfect.

The medicine under the sugar coat is the latter part of our emotional story: how did the feeling get bitter when it was eaten, and where was the original sweetness?

When they were together, the profound, subtle and complex elements began to ferment.


Just now, the girl who wanted to stay away from attention and praise, kept facing this silent and insensitive man, and felt more and more unhappy.

People who used to live in a large number of external stimuli when they were young, on the one hand, hate the constant stimuli, but are also afraid to leave them. Because without stimulation they would be plunged into an endless void.

Just like a plot in the movie "Party A and Party B": a female star hates endless fan surroundings very much, and she asks someone to help her experience the feeling of being an ordinary person. As a result, she did not experience a few days and asked to regain her star status, because she found that the life without stimulation was a terrible void for her who was accustomed to stimulation.


So the girl began to feel that the man was very bad, even annoying, dull, aloof and unresponsive. She would say to her girlfriend, "That's strange. What did I think of him?"

And the man feels worse and worse, because the woman he likes constantly gives him all kinds of stimulation. He feels that this woman has many things to do and demands all kinds of work, which makes him exhausted and exhausted.

So beautiful love begins to move towards the black zone of quarrel, blame, complaint and anger.


Many people at this time will hate the curse: " All love is TMD Gong Ye Haolong!"

Life is full of such rotten love, many people will ask in the background interaction: how can passion continue, so that love blossoms lasting?

We love what we lack so passionately because we need it so much, but there is a hidden feeling in our hearts, that is, we also hate and fear it very much.

People like to live in comfort zones and are unwilling to take risks on their own, so people are used to leaving their life predicament to others to help solve.


For example, the dilemma of that girl's life just now is: if no one pays attention to me and praises me, do I still have the meaning of living? Is there any value in my existence? This is the ultimate and profound question of life. Why am I alive?

This problem depends on the girl herself to face, explore and understand, no one can replace it.

And the man's dilemma in life is: Why can't I let the world see me? What am I afraid of? This question concerns a person's narcissistic quality and personality framework and intensity.

This problem also needs to face his own exploration and adjustment, others are still irreplaceable.

Note: Towards the end, you need to recall how things started.

In the real emotional relationship, people generally have three ways to deal with the above difficulties:


One option is: I just need sugar coating, not pills.

Such people will continue to seek passion outside marriage. The essence of this practice is to constantly fantasize about finding a savior to help themselves solve problems. In fact, the desire for idealized parents is internally invested in outsiders.


Another option: I don't want sugar coats or pills.

Such people will constantly say to themselves in their marriage, "What passion does marriage have? Isn't that life? Didn't everyone do that?" This is clearly a form of self-anesthesia designed to escape pain and difficulty.


These two choices have one characteristic: they don't have to pay anything.

But any escape has a cost, and it pays for your emotional relationship.

Unless you can live in the struggle line of food and clothing, then you are animal beings, and emotional satisfaction is only a luxury.

That's why when we're 40 years old, it's often the peak period of derailment, because we've already finished the struggle period, at which time, emotional needs can no longer be suppressed.


The third option is to construct a high quality complete love. In the period of passion, we create positive emotional value, that is, wow, you are such a shining woman, wow, you are such a quiet man.

After the passionate period, we produce negative emotional values. That is to say: Well, you shining woman, in fact, is afraid of this emptiness; Well, you have such a quiet man, in fact, the heart is very inferior ah...


At this stage, If we can penetrate the outer defense layer into the true self layer, face each other's vulnerability, understand and accept this hidden part, we can create a "corrective emotional experience" and then transit to a higher emotional relationship. So the real love between two people means that they can fall in love with each other in the dark side of each other.


What does that mean?

When a child falls down, he can get two kinds of love. One is that the mother says that the baby gives you sugar.—— Replace bad feelings with good ones 2.

One kind of love is that the mother says, baby, where do you ache, tells the mother, with empathy and understanding let the child feel that the mother cares about and acceptance of herself.


Often what we lack is the latter kind of love, which is understanding, companionship and guidance when we are vulnerable. That's why we live in a seemingly brilliant or quiet way, because in our past experience, we rarely have enough encouragement to dare to expose our vulnerability.


So in love, if we can penetrate the hard defense layer and enter deeper reality, the real passion in life can be stimulated.


Some couples enter the counseling room with a swordful gesture. At the end of the counseling, they hug and cry.

What happened in the middle? It is the consultant who provides them with a space to express themselves honestly and truthfully, so that they can unload the hard shell, express their inner softness and truth, and gain mutual understanding. So the premise of understanding is to have the opportunity to understand each other.


A woman can't resist a man's saying: "In fact, I love you very much."

A man can't resist a woman's saying: "In fact, you are not easy."

The initial passion comes from our fantasies, from perfect relativity. Later passion comes from our reality and fragility. Only true fragility can truly create lasting intimacy.


This kind of intimacy is the spiritual companionship and spiritual nourishment, and is the real "relatives".




Finally, on how to get real high-quality intimacy, @Psychological Counselor Lu Yue

—— Help, not loneliness ——

Heart Help focuses on intimacy and self-improvement. Here's a professional emotional counselor. Free Admission To answer your questions and answer your questions, add an assistant Wechat: Xinzhizhu010, reply to "know". Teacher Peach will help you make an appointment for free consultation. If you are faced with unsolvable pain and unresolved marital emotional problems, you are also welcome to give me personal trust!

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